When Everything Feels Harder - Including Love: Perimenopause, burnout, and relationship problems in midlife

(To listen to this blog post read to you by me, scroll to the bottom and press play).

A few months ago, my man said something that stopped me cold. Not during a fight - just gently, in a cautious kind of way:

“It feels like you’re not as into me anymore.”

Immediately a whole host of emotions flooded through me - I felt awkward and embarrassed - and defensive. I wanted to explain myself, correct him and tell him he was wrong.

Because I love him deeply. He’s kind, present, emotionally available, and generous. He listens, respects me and is affectionate - he is more deserving of love and affection than anyone!

And yet, what bothered me was the truth underneath what he was saying.

I had been more critical lately. I had been more reactive and irritable, and less patient, commenting on small frustrations and not responding with the softness I used to. I'd been feeling stressed and sad far more often and it was translating as a subtle signal of dissatisfaction.

From his side, it felt like he was failing. Like he couldn’t quite get it right anymore.

And from my side, it felt like I was watching myself become someone I didn’t recognise (or even like very much).

Of course I explained. I talked about my constant stress, my energy and mood dropping, my sex drive slowing, the bloating.... And I talked about my hormones and perimenopause.

Later as I was processing the conversation I realised that once again something needed to change: what used to work for me was not so reliable any more - I needed an intentional upgrade in my self-care to support my 46 year-old body.

I wondered, "How many women experience a loss of love during this midlife shift?"

...Most women don't even realise that it's not just dropping hormones (or a relationship problem) that cause these mood changes - there are other factors at play here.

Is it hormones... or something else?

Perimenopause is known widely as a hormonal transition, but this is only part of the picture.

Hormones are not just declining, they're fluctuating wildly during this time. Oestrogen supports behaviours like bonding, caretaking, and getting along with people; when it fluctuates or declines in midlife, many women notice they are less inclined to accommodate, ignore, or smooth things over the way they used to.

Progesterone also has a naturally calming influence on the body and nervous system, and when it drops, many women feel more on edge.

BUT

Here’s the part women are rarely told:

Hormones don’t act in isolation. They respond to the environment they’re in.

That environment includes:

• chronic stress

• burnout and emotional load

• disrupted sleep

• blood sugar instability

• nutritional depletion

• nervous system overactivation

• years of pushing through

• lack of play, pleasure, and rest

Perimenopause doesn’t usually create dysregulation. It's all the other things mixed in that mean the system is less stable and more sensitive to hormonal changes.

And often it's not hormones that are the issue at all - Research and clinical experience suggest something far more hopeful:

Mood changes in midlife are multi-factorial, involving interactions between stress physiology, nervous system regulation, metabolic health, and emotional patterns... as well as hormonal ups and downs.

Which means there are multiple points of intervention to support hormonal changes naturally in perimenopause.

You are not at the mercy of your hormones. But you are being asked to support yourself differently than you used to.

But how does this help my relationship problems in perimenopause?

It's true that many relationships end in midlife, and it makes sense that if your 'tolerance' hormones are plummeting, you might start noticing what you didn't before...

But before asking whether the relationship is wrong, ask this:

Is my system resourced enough to see clearly?

Because when we’re depleted: under-slept, under-nourished, over-stimulated, emotionally stretched, the brain doesn’t behave rationally, it just looks for relief.

And relief often looks like:

• withdrawal

• escape fantasies

• emotional distancing

• blame and resentment

This doesn’t mean your feelings are invalid. It means they need to be interpreted with care.

What actually helps and why

Don't worry, the goal here is not to “be nicer” or suppress how you feel!

It’s to raise your baseline capacity, so reactivity happens less often, and positive feelings come more easily.

Below are the core modalities I use in my work with women, because they don’t just help in the moment; they change the terrain underneath.

1. Nutrition and hormones in perimenopause

Do you get hangry??

If you do, you’re only human - and in perimenopause, your mood becomes far more sensitive to how and when you eat.

This doesn’t mean you need to eat perfectly or follow another set of food rules. It simply means that your body has less tolerance for long gaps, skipped meals, or running on coffee and adrenaline. When fuel is inconsistent, stress rises quickly, and patience drops just as fast.

Emotional regulation depends on a few very unsexy but essential things:

• steady blood sugar

• enough protein

• key nutrients that support brain chemistry

• a lower overall inflammatory load

As oestrogen becomes less reliable, blood sugar dips tend to trigger a much stronger stress response. So skipping meals, under-eating, or leaning on caffeine and sugar to get through the day can show up as irritability, anxiety, or feeling like you’re reacting far more than you want to.

Sometimes it’s not a relationship issue. It’s lunch.

Supporting mood through food looks like:

• Eating regularly (particularly earlier in the day)

• Prioritising protein at each meal

• Combining protein, fat and fibre to steady energy

• Reducing ultra-processed foods

• Supporting gut health gently

• Avoiding extreme dieting or long fasts

• specific nutrients to support the stress response

2. Mineral rebalancing: the often-missed layer

Minerals are needed for everything to work in your body:

• Neurotransmitter synthesis - your happy chemicals

• Hormone production & regulation

• Energy production

• Nerve signalling - for regulation and stability

  
  

Chronic stress, pregnancy, breastfeeding, dieting, and over-exercise deplete key minerals, and our food supply has become unreliable for getting our mineral needs. When mineral balance is compromised, emotional regulation becomes harder because the cells are underpowered.

I always recommend a quality ocean trace mineral supplement and adrenal cocktails to my clients and the difference can be immediate.

3. Burnout, adrenals and perimenopause

Many women arrive at perimenopause already depleted.

Years of:

• holding everything together

• caring for others

• pushing through exhaustion

• ignoring their own needs

• trying to keep up in a masculine world

Their adrenals are already struggling. And what I wish more women knew is that your adrenals take up the job of producing reproductive hormones after the ovaries slow down. So if you are chronically stressed, this production is compromised and perimenopause is so much worse.

When capacity is low, tolerance drops. Who's got the energy to be nice when they feel like crap?

One of the functional tests I order for these women is a urinary hormone panel, which includes their cortisol pattern through the day. This helps us understand the underlying stress on the system and guide treatment.

And many women need to hear: Rest and recovery isn’t indulgent. It's necessary.

4. NLP, subconscious pattern work and transformational coaching

When mood is low and stress is high, the mind becomes more negative, more self-critical, and more prone to catastrophic thinking. Old relational patterns and emotional habits can start running the show.

Subconscious and NLP-based work helps to:

• interrupt unhelpful mental loops

• soften black-and-white thinking

• reduce self-criticism

• restore choice and perspective

• align your values and guide you toward what you truly want

• and be the person you want to be, free of old limiting ways of being

This is the piece that helps women love themselves again, feel empowered and optimistic about the future and who they are becoming.

5. Nervous system regulation and emotional resilience

When the nervous system is stuck in a high-alert state, the brain becomes more threat-focused and reactive. Research shows that practices which downshift the stress response, like mindfulness, somatic work, gentle movement, and breath-based practices, improve emotional regulation and mood.

Slow, controlled breathing for example, has been shown to reduce stress hormone output, improve vagal tone, and lower emotional intensity.

You can’t think your way out of a stress response. But you can change your state. In relationships, this creates space between trigger and response - often the difference between repair and rupture.

And with regular practice, women often say: “Things don’t phase me like they used to.”

A note on HRT

For some women, HRT can be a helpful part of support. But synthetic hormones do not address:

• burnout

• stress load

• nervous system dysregulation

• nutritional depletion

• emotional patterns

When women are told “it’s just hormones,” many feel powerless.

A whole-system approach gives your power back.

This phase doesn’t have to ruin your relationship

Before making any big conclusions, ask yourself:

• Am I feeling off in general, or is it just about this relationship?

• Do I feel warmth return when I’m rested and regulated?

• Would I feel more like myself if I were better supported physically and emotionally?

• Am I trying to make sense of this while I’m still dysregulated?

Clarity comes after regulation, not before.

Perimenopause can feel like a loss of control: emotionally, physically, relationally, but it can also be a recalibration.

When women support the whole system including nutrition, minerals, nervous system, breath, mindset and emotional pattern, something remarkable often happens:

• mood stabilises

• reactivity softens

• energy and joy returns

• sex drive improves

• relationships feel safer, and problems no longer blamed on perimenopause

• self-love, clarity and certainty become normal

Do you need support?

If you resonate with this article, I'd love to hear your story. Please feel free to comment or send me a private message.

And if you know you could feel better with some support from a qualified practitioner - testing to reveal what's really going on, emotional and mindset work, help to implement a new healthy routine, I'd love to be the one to support you.

I work with women in my 10-session Aliveness Program to improve gut health, reduce inflammation, balance hormones and bring their energy and joy back.

Click here to book a clarity call.

To listen to this blog post please click play below.

References & further reading

• Gordon, J. L., & Girdler, S. S. (2014). Hormone fluctuations and mood across the menstrual cycle. Psychological Bulletin.

• Hantsoo, L., & Epperson, C. N. (2015). Premenstrual dysphoric disorder: Epidemiology and treatment. Current Psychiatry Reports.

• Goldstein, J. M. et al. (2010). Oestrogen, stress, and mood regulation. Biological Psychiatry.

• Thayer, J. F., & Lane, R. D. (2009). The role of vagal function in emotional regulation. Biological Psychology.

• Pascoe, M. C., et al. (2017). The impact of stress-management interventions on cortisol and mood. Psychoneuroendocrinology.

• Schulte, F. et al. (2016). Blood sugar regulation and mood stability. Nutrition Reviews.